Planning too far ahead…
Hmm..i just watched Across the Universe with a couple of work buds, and i think it was really inspiring. Well, despite the random scenes with blue things and naked people dancing around. But, maybe that helped make the impact of the message stronger. I was pondering this on my drive home as I jammed to one of my favorite songs with Steph.
The love in the movie was amazing and I liked how it was presented in so many ways. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to let someone get close enough to me to feel that way.
I really hope so.
Damnit.
I dont know. I have so much anger building up and nowhere to vent it. I can’t be angry at any person, and I can’t be angry at “God” since I don’t believe in him. So, I dont know what to do with all of my anger. Today was so shitty. UGH. I feel so alone. Am I psychotic or something? Do I need a to see a psychologist? People seem to treat me that way. Is it so wrong that I care so much about other people? Does that make me strange or a stalker?
Well, this morning started off like shit. I woke up extra early because I thought I had to take my mom into work and I wanted to straighten my hair. Well, I’m completely ready to go and my mom is like, “oh, i don’t need a ride.” -I could’ve had twenty more minutes of sleep. and then I told her how I wanted to celebrate my good friend’s birthday with her that day, and she was like, “well, I need you to run actually to and from her training session, pick me up from work, fill up the gas tank, and pick up some things from the store.” Okay. now i’m really pissed. she’s just telling me this now.
Well, me and osmaan got to go out in the hallway and take random picture of things in the hallway during photography. We were messing around and noticed all the teachers were eating lunch in the community rooms, and at one of the tables was all of the english nerds (hill, jankowski, kovach) and i thought it was priceless. me and osmaan took a picture. Well, during creative writing, Mrs. Kovach (whom I’ve decided I really don’t like) was talking about her lunch and i was like, “I took a picture of you!” and some girl was like, “OMG, you’re a stalker.” umm? I was just messing around. I thought it would make a good picture. and Mrs. Kovach just like treated me like I was a creep. I didn’t really think that was a big deal. people take pictures of people all the time. ?? So, that REALLY hurt my feelings.
and then I found out that one of my best friends had a panic attack. I really worry about her. I wish she was happy. What can I do to help her?
–so, pretty much I feel like I have no one to talk to because everyone thinks I’m weird or a creep. I just feel alone. I can make myself happy. I’m not unhappy. It just sucks not being able to be myself.
ahh.
This weekend has been amazing. This week to come will be amazing. It’s refreshing.
Canon AE-1 part 2.
so, in photography class the other day, my camera like broke. I swear i didn’t do anything to it! lol. it just decided it didn’t want to take pictures anymore. but I set it down on the table and it fixed itself?? OMG photo is getting better and better. Mrs. Hopper is a freaking SPAS. She tried to give me her camera the other day. she was like, “Here, this is your camera.” and I was like, “No, that isn’t mine.” And she was like, “Here, take your camera.” and I repeated myself, and she finished with, “Oh, this is my camera.” OMG..wtf?? You can’t even tell which camera is yours. I bet if no one showed up to class she wouldn’t be able to tell. She would probably just hold class like usual.
I got a D on my last sociology test. Lazy. again. Mr. Schmidt is making me pretty mad. Besides his comments about how amazing Michigan football is, he shushed me when I tried to ask him a question and he grades his essay questions the wrong way in my opinion. They’re pretty opinionated questions and I got a C- for having something different from him? I thought that was a good thing, but apparently not.
I need to look up how to write poems for creative writing club monday still, or else I’ll look like even more of a moron than usual.
Work has been the bomb this weekend. Really. It has been dead so I’ve just been messing around. lol. and Me and Jason flirted about. I found out that he is only 19! I thought he was like 21! woop woop. so, he’s not too old for me.
I set up a date with colin again. probably a bad move, but I haven’t made out with a guy for like a month, and i’m getting bored. –well, not counting sam.
Hopi has been in the hospital for about a week from vomiting and an upset stomach, but through surgery today, they found out that it was just IBS. lol. I find that kind of embarrassing for her, but I’m sure it hurts like hell.
I’ve run like 10 miles this weekend. Go Me.
Canon AE-1
well, my excercise escapades went well last night. lol. I guess. I didn’t pick up any hot guys, but I ran into sam! and me and jess saw Levi Stalling and ended up talking to him for thirty-five minutes. He’s so sexy. Those arms-dang. I want a man with huge arms. Too bad he was totally hitting on jess though. lol. he likes his mexicans.
I got my camera today! I was looking forward to it at school all day and then I got home and it wasn’t on my door step, so I was sad. until i realized that it was the United States Postal Service that brought it and therefore it would be in the mailbox. I walked down to that mailbox in the snow, without any gloves. That is dedication right there. I would’ve been so mad if it wasn’t there. Geesh…i would’ve unleashed the terror from within.
Well, I got my paper back from Jankowski and he basically said that I need to be careful of my word choices in sentences because sometimes my sentences were hard to understand. That was his negative comment at least. so, I’ll have to work on that.
I feel so bad. I went in early to talk to Mr. Clough about a quiz we did in Novels and to prove one of my answers right from the book the test was over, and he started telling me I should apply for the honors college at ball state and that I’d do really well there and all this nice stuff. But I wrote my essay for his class the night before–horrible. it was supposed to be 500 words and mine ended up being like 550 words; the bare minimum. everyone else (who has a brain) wrote like five pages. Lindsey= LAZY. So, i just feel bad. I would’ve like to prove him right and that I am smart enough for the honors college. ruined that. Next one will be better. I promise myself.
I’m trying to fight the evil within me called senioritis, and I think I’m loosing badly.
Workin it Out.
So, I’m getting all whore-ed up to go pick up guys at the Y with a friend. (Not my idea as I’m sure you already know). but, i think it should be fun. I waxed my legs and everything. Instead of doing this, I should be home writing an essay for Novels, which my grade says I have an A- when i really have an A+. Jared added my points up wrong on accident. lol. I freaking LOVE that kid. he is so funny, yet he’s shy. My favorite type of guy. lol. and he’s such a sweetheart. I don’t think many people would agree with me on any of those points, but he’s just awesome.
I had my second creative writing meeting. I’m kinda nervous now. we had to create characters right off the top of our heads to be put into a pretend school that we are going to write stories about. I’m not that creative. I made my character a mix of zena, lauren, and my sister. (my sister being the negative traits in the character). next week we are writing poems in first person as if the character was writing them..and i dont know the first thing about poetry. maybe i need to practice first. lol. I really felt out of place at that meeting. it was sad. I was really looking forward to it.
I Deserve It.
So, I got a B+ on my first American Lit. essay. 
but, I guess it wasn’t very well written. It just sucks doing so poorly in writing when I want to be a writer. I know a B+ isn’t a big deal, it only lowered my grade to an A-, but this is my dream. I also heard Mr. Jankowski is an easy grader so that didn’t make me feel better.
I tried to tell my friend about this and she just rolled her eyes at me. I just wish there was someone I can talk to who doesn’t act that way when I talk about something important to me. It is my dream to be a good writer and it hurts to get a B+. I don’t understand why people roll their eyes at me and act like that isn’t a legitamate thing to be upset about. If I got an F on a test, i wouldn’t care, but this is writing.
maybe i just need to keep those things to myself. just like everything else, pretty much.
umm..?
So, maybe someone else knows the answer to this, because i’m just confused. I have ran anywhere between 3-6 miles EVERY DAY for the past three months, excluding christmas. (My grandparents dont have a treadmill). I eat subs for lunch, my mother cooks all organic meals with no added salt or butter. So, why the heck am I gaining weight? and no, its not muscle. I can tell the difference between flab and muscle. I dont get it. I have more flab now than i did before i started running. am i pregnant or something? instead of Virgin Mary, its Virgin Lindsey. I seriously don’t get it. Any explanation you know of?
I’m getting a camera!! like, one of those shiny manual ones with the cool gadgets on top. Woop woop. I’m taking photo now and i figure that I’ll end up taking photos sometime in my writing career. I guess I should get one while I have the money. lol.
We’re getting our American Lit essays back on Monday. I’m nervous. but, creative writing club is monday! which makes me nervous too. but oh well.
YAY!
well, i finally finished the paper on how you define an American. I think it was just o.k. not something I would’ve turned into Mr. Hill, but I couldn’t decide how I wanted to answer the prompt, so i didn’t decide what I wanted to write until about ten. therefore, I got four hours of sleep last night. It’s actually not too bad because I normally don’t sleep anyway.
Me and Steph went shopping for our dorm supplies! It is so exciting! I can’t wait. I’m hoping that I’ll get to take psychology classes in preparation for becoming a teacher. I’m such a psychologist. I analyze everyone i meet. I wouldn’t want to be a psychologist though because I don’t feel I would help as many people. Plus my interest in psychology might make me an even better teacher.
again, I was thinking back on my love for writing, and I realized that I have been writing since elementary and pre-school. I had this ugly pink electronic diary that I would write in and me and Dobbs created Munskins stories together. I still have that book. those stories were priceless. lol.
anyway, back to me and steph’s night. it was fun. we went to barnes and noble, a bad idea on her part because i can never go in there for less than thirty minutes, and she ended up getting a journal to write in. NOT EVEN MY IDEA. i told her it might be easier for her to blog, but the thought of someone else reading her writing scared her I think. She is a pretty sensitive person, and I really like that about her.
photography is hilarious. I love photographs, but Mrs. Hopper is a nutcase so I can’t concentrate on what she is saying. i just keep making fun of her in my head. even if I could concentrate, i probably would learn about the same amount.
omg…i haven’t even written about what I’m most excited about today!! lol. I received an “A” for contribution in American Lit.!! I was so worried that MJ would think my opinions and comments were retarded. Partially because some of the time I wasn’t at all sure of what I was talking about. lol. what a relief.
Lindsey’s Gone Private.
So, I finally don’t have to desensitize what I’m saying. I think my parents were reading my blog. So, this is just in. This month, my parents have decided i’m a lezbian. I just love it when people decide things for you without asking. It’s nice. And Meg is my girlfriend. I was online typing up my blog and my dad saw and was like, “Who can see your blog?” and I was like, “Well, I talk back in forth with a girl,” because I didn’t want it to seem like a million of people were reading my blog in case they thought it wasn’t safe. then, my dad was like, “you’re girlfriend?” and I was like, “WHAT?” and he was like “nothing.” and went back to work. I just feel like they expect me to meet all of their expectations and now that I have, they think there is something wrong me. I have nothing against lezbians, but I can assure you that I don’t fit into that category. AT ALL.
I’m nervous about this paper I’m writing, but it’ll be really good practice. I’m just worried that it’ll be the worst paper in there and I’ll feel stupid. I wonder what I have in this class anyway. There aren’t any grades really except for our journal entries so i have no idea if I’m doing things correctly or not. How do you determine if what you say is contributing to class discussion or if it’s just retarded.
I went to my first creative writing club meeting. mr. hill couldn’t come because he had to go get books for his writing class. oh well. It was a lot of fun. One of the girls asked me why I chose to come and I responded, “for my own reasons.” I feel sort of bad now because that might have been rude, but my reasons ARE pretty personal. We designed journals in class today, and I made one for Zena. I just feel like having something specific to collect all of my thoughts down will help me get through this better. Maybe I’ll even be able to take my collected writings and write the poem I’ve been having trouble starting.
FYI. Me and Stephanie are rooming together at Ball State! Hell yeah!! It’s gonna be a great year next year! We have already purchased an iron + board, hampers, and a t.v. So, I think we need to go out shopping together and pick out a few more odds and ends. This’ll be fun!!
