Medical School 2
One of the greatest things that could possibly happen, happened last friday. My microbiology teacher selected me to do undergraduate research with him beginning in the spring, which will last until I graduate. I am his only undergraduate student and he told me he had been watching me all semester hoping he could recruit me. How flattering!! It would make such a big difference on my resume that I have already published research and spoken at conferences when I apply to medical school.
That may sound extremely exciting, but now I feel more pressure than ever. Before, I was only letting myself down if I failed. Now, I will also be letting down this professor who has decided to stick a hand out and help me on my way. Also, I am now forced to be close to and trust him. How many adults do I trust in my life….one, my father. This for me is the scariest part. I am constantly fighting inside to try and keep myself from reverting to who I think he wants me to be. It is exhausting trying to be yourself around someone you have such high respect for when you don’t think your personality is good enough.
I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days now and it feels like i have a constantly worried feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if its excitement about getting this offer or just plain horror that I may completely fail and let down everyone who has dedicated their time to making me the person I am today.
I’m hoping it will pass as my next set of courses prove just as easy as the last three sets.
Medical School
I finally made the decision to switch my major over to Biology with PreMed today when I found out there was only one spot left in the Bio class I needed and 17 spots in the chem class I needed. When I was talking to my father over dinner at Carlos O’Kellys, it was the first time he has ever questioned a decision I have made, so I began crying right in the middle of appetizers.
It is so scary to me that I have a 50 percent chance to be who I want now. It may come down to something completely independent of how much work I put into it. Maybe during the interview, they may decide that I’m not assertive enough to be a doctor and therefore deny my application. Who really knows? Lets be honest. You really can’t do anything with a Biology major these days. There are very few options since there are so many biology majors. I am scared to death. It really didn’t help matters when my dad started asking questions like, “what are u doing to do with a biology major?” and “what are the odds that you will actually make it that far?” Before, he has always accepted anything and gone beyond to help me organize my schedule and make another four year plan.
Also, I have been writing essays for a tutoring job I’m applying for over the summer. It makes me nervous because it asks questions about my leadership qualities, but I never actually take leadership positions.
I am never really stressed, but I am starting to really feel it. I’m also lonely. It would be so nice just to have someone touch me in a non-sexual way that showed that I was worthy of their affection and time. It has been so long since I’ve felt that from a person other than a relative or close friend. It just seems like I am never good enough to be that one person that means enough to a guy that he commits and shows that he cares.
I just need to get my emotions in check. There are way too many downers going on at once and I need to focus on the positive side of everything.
On Being Shallow
There is a friend of mine who keeps confessing his feelings for me. I really don’t know how to respond. And, I’m not even sure why I am so set on giving him a no answer. He is the typical “nerd” who knows the ins and outs of computer/video games and rarely talks to girls. I would be lying if I said I was attracted to him, but is physical attraction a good enough excuse to say no to someone? I have convinced myself that it isn’t, so i have continually picked out things that I think would make us incompatible. He’s too shy, he wont be able to please me sexually, he goes to a college a few hours away from mine, and I’m already involved in a few relationship-type things. For him, that doesn’t seem good enough. Its almost as if guys would prefer if you told them you were saying no because you don’t find them attractive enough. That way you look like a bad person and they escape with some dignity. Maybe I’m just bitter right now because of how pressured I feel to have feelings for people they don’t exist for.
Reading my teacher’s blog today really makes me miss him. He’s one of the few people I have been able to look up to in my life, yet I always get so nervous to talk to him just in case I say or do something that will cause him to lose respect for me. I hope by the end of this semester I’ll be able to give him the news that I have a 4.0 for my first semester of college. If i can even get myself to tell him that. I don’t know why I always feel like I’m not good enough for those to care about. Well, maybe I do know why, but I’d rather not use that as an excuse.
With finals coming up, I haven’t had much time to make any progress in my Buddhism book. 
Good thing I took notes so I wouldn’t forget anything important in between readings. Pretty soon I’ll be back home with my family, friends, and puppy!
Gramscicle
The best part about Thanksgiving and break: My grandma is doing 300X better! Yes, she may be really depressed from her lack of results, but I can actually understand some of the things she says now! I’m glad the family was all there to see her because i think it will her out of her depression. Especially since we will be together once again in a month!
For y’ens that dont know, my grandma had an aneurysm in her brain a couple years back and while she was in surgery to get it removed, she clotted in her spinal cord causing a stroke. She lost her ability to talk and walk. But, she can walk, and now she can almost talk!
My aunt just died a few years back from a brain tumour so seeing this improvement in her means the world to everyone in my family, especially my father. I get a bit scared sometimes because brain problems run in my family and I feel like I have some block in my mind keeping me from reaching past a certain point. Thats probably just because my intellectual level isn’t there. oh well. I shouldn’t spend time dwelling on it.
I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving break!
High Pt. 1
So, last weekend, I went to my first Ohio State football game! My father and I arrived in Columbus around 9 and then went and walked around the campus. Even that walk was dream-like. First, we went to the stadium and peeked beyond the fence to try and find our spot for the next day. Of course we didn’t see it though. lol. Then, we walked around the sports facility. 5 pools! There ended up being free food and music playing too. It was such a surreal experience. During the entire time I listened to the band played, i looked around at all of the passionate fans i have grown up hours away from and just absorbed every single moment of it.
Apres ca, we headed back to the car and drove through the central campus (more by accident) on our way home. The next day, my dad had me up early and was all ready to go. lol. I rarely get to see him this happy. As we made our walk together, i could barely keep up with him because he was practically running towards the stadium (which was actually a couple miles away from our hotel). We stopped in a Buckeye store and picked up our Laurinaitis jerseys finally.
It was crazy how many companies were giving out stuff all the way there. Its not like it was a huge game. Everyone knew osu would blow Minnesota. The games must make millions of dollars each time. Geico was giving out osu towels to everyone! Definitely grabbed one of those.
Okay, now i’m going to skip some parts because i’m excited to talk about the next part. lol
We arrived at our seats– 10th row right behind the football team. And, guess who was sitting right in front of us? The families of the buckeye players!! I was sitting behind Well’s family, Laurinaitis’s family, Trepasso’s family, and other lesser known families. We were among royalty! Of course, i was too afraid to go meet any of them, but…i was sitting with the families of my favorite players! 
I don’t have time to finish, so i’ll be back.
Some Seriousness
My good friend’s parents are getting a divorce. I think this is one area i feel completely clueless about. She keeps looking to me for advice, but i really couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would feel like. Especially since the circumstances of the divorce are situations that would be impossible to create within my family. I think most people know by now i don’t have a good extended family situation. This friend’s father is prohibiting her and her mother from seeing any of her mother’s side of the family–her mother isn’t aloud to talk to her own sister. Obviously, no one would try to keep me from seeing my family because i don’t see them much anyway, so i just don’t know how to make her feel better. I’ve been trying to get her out and about as much as possible, but since her mother has no one to go to for help with the divorce since she can’t talk to her family, my friend is her only help and has to stay at home a lot.
I’m meeting J for coffee tomorrow to exchange poetry and ideas. I am really nervous. I’m so confident when it comes to accomplishing things–I pretty much feel like I can do anything and become whoever I want to be. There is a problem though. I never feel like I’m good enough. For anyone. I feel like I’m going to let J down with my poetry, heck, I don’t even feel like I deserve all of the help he has given me already. I don’t get why he would want to help me when there are so many students out there that are sooo good at writing and so intelligent.
My last day at work was today. I am going to miss it soo much. I really love all of the people there. Alex and I were flirting a lot…but, I still couldn’t even begin to guess what goes on inside that head of his. lol. On Tuesday, the high schoolers from work are getting together and renting a hotel room for the night. We are going to go tp our manager’s house around 4am. I really can’t wait. lol. I’m going to stick some OSU flags in her yard too. There are going to be like 7 of us, so her house is going to be demolished. lol.
Is there a Heaven?
After watching that video, i can’t help but think, maybe there is a heaven. There has to be some place where people, who didn’t get a chance to live their lives because of other people or an illness, get to fulfill their dreams. Maybe there is a God out there. It just doesn’t seem fair for human beings to completely take away some one’s chance at survival. I’m a believer in second chances, so just maybe there is such a place. At least for those who didn’t get their chance.
This one by Kenny Chesney reminds me soo much of Zena, and it makes me cry every time.
Is there a Heaven?
After watching that video, i can’t help but think, maybe there is a heaven. There has to be some place where people, who didn’t get a chance to live their lives because of other people or an illness, get to fulfill their dreams. Maybe there is a God out there. It just doesn’t seem fair for human beings to completely take away some one’s chance at survival. I’m a believer in second chances, so just maybe there is such a place. At least for those who didn’t get their chance.
This one by Kenny Chesney reminds me soo much of Zena, and it makes me cry every time.
Chyeah
My mother and sister are back from England. Hooray! (Sarcasm) I’ve already been bombarded with constant dumb questions. I was up at 5am listening to my mother’s coffee grinder. Nice. I bought dinner for them last night. Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I don’t get along with them or engage my mother in her pointless questions. Okay, I’m being a bit harsh. Sorry.
I’ve gained ten pounds since last year. I need to check my eating habits. It seems like I’ve lost control over something I’m usually very disciplined about. I’ve been running though as usual about 4 miles a day.
I’ve recently been joining chat rooms and talking to people. Its really cool getting to know other people, but you get an awfully lot of nasty guys trying to get u to talk dirty to them. Bluhh..Some of them are like 40 years old. I got into a really good conversation with a 21 year old the other day about politics. lol You know that makes me happy. I recommended Cormac McCarthy to some guy who likes dark literature so i got to tell him about my two favorite teachers. (He is a philosophy teacher)
Oh yeah…!! I have my new laptop! Even if it isn’t a Mac like English majors are supposed to have. Oh well. My dad says he’s going to take this laptop and buy me a mac when the time comes. I’ve kinda grown attached to this one already though. Super Cr3w is my wallpaper!
Chyeah
My mother and sister are back from England. Hooray! (Sarcasm) I’ve already been bombarded with constant dumb questions. I was up at 5am listening to my mother’s coffee grinder. Nice. I bought dinner for them last night. Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I don’t get along with them or engage my mother in her pointless questions. Okay, I’m being a bit harsh. Sorry.
I’ve gained ten pounds since last year. I need to check my eating habits. It seems like I’ve lost control over something I’m usually very disciplined about. I’ve been running though as usual about 4 miles a day.
I’ve recently been joining chat rooms and talking to people. Its really cool getting to know other people, but you get an awfully lot of nasty guys trying to get u to talk dirty to them. Bluhh..Some of them are like 40 years old. I got into a really good conversation with a 21 year old the other day about politics. lol You know that makes me happy. I recommended Cormac McCarthy to some guy who likes dark literature so i got to tell him about my two favorite teachers. (He is a philosophy teacher)
Oh yeah…!! I have my new laptop! Even if it isn’t a Mac like English majors are supposed to have. Oh well. My dad says he’s going to take this laptop and buy me a mac when the time comes. I’ve kinda grown attached to this one already though. Super Cr3w is my wallpaper!
