50 Things I Will Never Do
I was looking at prompts on a creative writing site and this one came up. I thought it was a little edgy because no one usually asks what you aren’t willing to do. Just whether you WOULD do something. You guys better post a list too!
I will never:
- Steal from my parents or friends.
- Go skinny dipping in Ball State’s syphilis infested pond.
- Cry to get out of a speeding ticket.
- Forget what its like to be bullied.
- Forget what its like to bully others.
- Care more about the money than the patients.
- Respect women in authority positions as much as men.
- Forget how much my parents sacrificed for me growing up.
- Have a one night stand.
- Stop learning.
- Give up on life.
- Have an abortion.
- Stop trying to please other people.
- Think I’m good enough for the people I care about most.
- Feel comfortable around people I have extreme respect for.
- Take illegal drugs in the form of pills.
- Allow my friends to leave a party with strangers.
- Forgive myself for the way I treated my 6th grade teachers.
- Stop donating change to street performers.
- Lose my love of dance, literature, or exercise.
- Completely isolate myself from others, as I often feel like doing.
- Feel completely comfortable with my body.
- Stop thinking that he might have been the one.
- Be a good liar.
- Let my desire for alcohol affect my life.
- Drink on a school night.
- Be dependent on a man.
- Believe in God.
- Look down on someone because of their job, living arrangements, or education level.
- Have good fashion sense.
- Be sexual with a friend’s bf/lover/husband/partner.
- Get plastic surgery.
- Make my bed each morning.
- Enjoy cooking.
- Read Twilight.
- Drive intoxicated.
- Allow a friend to drive intoxicated.
- Forget what its like to lose a best friend.
- Be afraid of dying.
- Stop falling in love too easily.
- Marry someone for money.
- Stop biting my nails.
- Be attracted to a man with perfect abs.
- Stop wishing/trying to be a better person.
- Forget to appreciate the stars.
- Prefer compliments over criticism.
- Be great at verbally expressing my emotions.
- Stop enjoying Disney movies.
- Stop enjoying the sound of running water.
- Enjoy sleeping up against a wall.
Microbiology
I have always thought that I would dislike microbiology because of all of the use with a microscope, but I have found my reaction to be the complete opposite. This class may even be my favorite class I have taken as a college student. It really is extremely interesting looking at the bacteria you have personally collected, especially since you know that it lives on you or in your environment.
90% of the cells that form you body are bacteria cells rather than human cells.
B= streptococcus: cause of strep throat and many other illnesses.
H= streptobacillus: found in the mouth of rats.
–both of these were found in a water fountain I swabbed.
I think this proves that I made the right decision in switching majors, even if I know I’ll really miss taking English courses.
Oh, and Unicorn Head, that movie wasn’t nearly as funny as you and everyone else said it would be. Just average.
Being Touched.
My roommate and I ended up getting into another one of our half hour long conversations, this time about the differences in the attitudes of South Koreans and Americans. (My roommate is South Korean). She told me that the South Koreans have a place to take public baths and there is a person there whose job is to scrub each person down with a cloth and make them feel clean.
I just couldn’t imagine having a stranger scrubbing my body in such a personal way in front of so many people. In my speech class, someone gave a speech about how we are a touch-starved nation. I completely agree. Everyone feels lonely in a different way. I think that breaking that fear of physical contact between people would help bring us together. Its clear that human touch is critical to our development both mentally and physically, so its odd that we are so focused on maintaining our distance from other people.
This past chat has made me want to spend hours researching South Korean culture. I really feel clueless about where my roommate is coming from and I would really like to learn more about how she has lived her entire life. I’ll probably post again next time something really interesting comes up.
Loss of Sexuality
The past couple months have brought about a huge change in my behavior towards the people I am attracted to. Usually I am oozing sexual energy, hardly able to control my flirtatious personality. Lately though, I have just been blocking that part of me. I’m tired of attracting guys to me that just want to be with me for my sexual and flirtatious nature. I actually want someone who will care about me for more than that; I feel like I have more to offer than the sexual side of my personality. Another part of it is a lack of confidence in my ability to keep a person’s attention without using my sex appeal.
I can’t decide if I like the new person I have become. I think by caging my sexual self, it is causing me to be someone else. At the same time though, I’m not sure if relationships work when there is so much sexual activity in and out of the relationship. I am just so confused about what other people like best and whether being less sexual is a better way to find a person to care for you.
I am looking forward to meeting new people this summer so I can try some new things out, since they wont have any pre-knowledge about who I am as a person or what to expect from me. That way I will be able to figure out what works best to really find a person that will care about me. Not necessarily in a serious, relationship-type way. Maybe more of a respect and understanding type of caring, since i’m not sure i have had much of either of those in my past relationships.
Shush Girl, Shush Your Lips
Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.
These past few weekends have been completely amazing, disregarding the infection and severe rash, but who cares about that stuff. I have experienced so many of those “perfect” moments lately, it just feels like my life is a perfect moment.
Last Thursday–another long night of dancing the night away until my back was so sore I could hardly hold myself up. Wow.
Friday night just was indescribable. My friends and I went party hopping and ended up at this “mansion” which was really not even a large house, on the opposite side of muncie. Yes, we walked those many miles. We walked in, not knowing anyone, and immediately realized we didn’t exactly belong. It was a party hosted by a ton of theater majors, who seemed particularly fond of popular 80’s songs. It was fantastic. Everyone jumped up and down together to our favorite songs that we grew up listening too…u can’t get better than that…
LaFollette ended up getting evacuated (again) around 3am, so we decided to stay the night in our newly met friend’s room–4 girls squashed on a slab of wood covered with a slight cushion. Yes, even that just seemed perfect. 3 of my best friends squished together with me, having survived another long night out on the town.
Saturday, I went out with a huge group of guys–I was the only girl. Really, that is just fabulous already. We went to get hot dogs from the famous “Carter” along with half of Ball State. Its amazing how long people will wait in line to get a 1 dollar hot dog. It was just amazing feeling like I’m apart of such a tradition, standing out there with all of my drunk peers (or so it seemed based on their behavior). The “drunk party trolley” as it has been named, kept driving around picking up partiers to be driven around town.
After eating the hot dog, we passed by a band that was playing, and it was an experience I think I will always remember. It just added once more to that content feeling of being apart of something big and beautiful as a whole. A group of college students surrounded the band, and I watched many of them bob up and down to the music in unison. It reminded me of the The American Life episode Mr. Hill showed us where a bunch of people faked being fans and described one of the fake fans as “bobbing along to the music mouthing every word.” The band was great; the crowd was great. I need to go to a concert.
I headed back to my new friend’s dorm room once more to watch the guys play some Zombie game, which actually creeped me out. Zombies are scary. But, by 5am, I was dead tired so I just fell asleep once more in my friend’s room.
I originally came to Ball State thinking, “I will never be one of those people who stay out until 5am.” But now, I can’t believe how much I would have missed if I stayed in on a regular basis. Yes, the primary function of college is to help educate me on the subjects needed for my future job, but what I have got out of it so far has been so much more than that. I can’t wait for summer classes to begin; a whole new experience, with a whole new different set of people.
A Good Question
Lindsay asked me, “If you could be anything you wanted and knew you would be successful at it, what would it be?”
My first thoughts may seem like obvious things you would assume I would come up with.
1. Obviously, something that makes other people happy. So, I thought a counselor of some sort.
2. Then I thought about how much I enjoyed working some where as simple as DeBrand.
3. And then came a professional dancer, until I thought about how much clothes I would have to take off to get to that point.
4. My fourth thought was something in the medical field.
5. My last and final thought may seem kinda odd since I’ve never shown an interest in this specific area before, but I think I would be a romance author if I could do anything and I knew I’d be successful. Yes, I think that romance novels are often shallow and predictable, but they leave millions of readers with a sense of happiness and confidence they didn’t have before. I would love to be that Nora Roberts or Nicholas Sparks that helps a women feel like she does have something to offer the world. If I could make millions of people smile through a simple story of two people finding love in a difficult world, I would be so overfilled with happiness that I swear I would feel like bursting.
That answer shocked me and shows that a bit of self-searching can reveal to you what is really down deep in your dreams.
Sadly, It has come to this…
I think writing down his positive and negative qualities will help convince myself that he isn’t for me. Hopefully. Because I know this list will be completely one sided.
Good Qualities Associated with Him
1. We have more chemistry than I thought was possible for two people to have.
2. He is affectionate.
3. He is very attractive.
Bad Qualities Associated with Him
1. He isn’t that academically intelligent and is on academic probation.
2. He thinks he is the shit. Period.
3. He lies. A Lot.
4. He is extremely selfish.
5. Enjoys making people feel stupid/inferior/like less of a good person.
6. Is hated by all my friends.
7. Doesn’t care about how he affects other people.
8. Has no idea what he wants.
9. He tries to tell everyone that he knows everything in almost every subject, but he really doesn’t.
10. He takes advantage of me and how much I care about him without giving it a second thought.
I think i’m just used to always getting my ways with guys, and this one guy turns me down, so now its driving me absolutely crazy. I have never been turned down before….and it doesn’t feel good. I don’t mean that in a full of myself way. I just usually pick guys I know I have a chance with. I guess I fell for him too fast and forgot to think about what I was getting myself into. But, I need to get over it. There are other interested guys, to whom I owe some attention. I’m actually almost ready to commit to someone. We may not have the same amount of chemistry, but he is such a great person. I’m lucky to have a chance with him.
New Years…
I haven’t had much time to make new year resolutions, so here is a rough draft:
1. Let someone get close to me. I’m sick of feeling like I dont have a single friend who considers me their one person they know they can count on when the times get rough. It makes me cry just thinking about the fact that I am close to no one.
2. Increase my self-worth. Dont mistake this for a lack of confidence. I feel like I can achieve anything for myself. The problem though, which plays in with number 1, is that i dont feel like i’m good enough for those i care about. Friends, teachers, guys, parents… For the people I care most about, I can’t even figure out why they would want to talk to me. I can’t figure out what I have to offer other people.
3. Lose 20 pounds. Yes, I know its shallow, but maybe writing it down will help me achieve it.
4. Become Buddhist. Well, begin becoming Buddhist.
5. Keep up my 4.0 GPA.
Unnecessary Loneliness
I feel alone now more than ever. I’m rooming with one of my best friends down at college. Lately, she has been constantly in one of my other friend’s rooms rather than with me. Today, I asked her where she was heading to study with my other friend, and they were like, 6th floor lounge. And then as they were leaving, I heard her say, “lets go to your room to study.” As of right now, she is over next door in our neighbor’s room doing her work. Its not like I’m distracting her. I’m just listening to music on my comp and playing some online games.
I should be extremely excited about the fact that I aced my astronomy final, but all i can think about is the fact that I have no friends here at college that aren’t friends with everyone else. Its one group. No one to talk to. If one person is annoyed with me, everyone is.
Connected
It feels amazing to feel connected to someone. On facebook, I came across someone I had class with back in sixth grade. I couldn’t help but smile. Yeah, we may be completely different people, but at that time, we shared mutual feelings for our English teacher. I have always thought that the English teacher put us together for that exact reason–we are completely different and we were both a pain in the ass. While I have the ability to pay close attention in class for hours, no matter what the subject was, Ryan has extreme ADD and other mental disabilities. We would both sit there together, victims of our teacher’s hatred, and exchange whispers of conspiracy. Back then, I was a completely different person. And I made that teacher’s life hell. I wish she hadn’t moved the following year (probably because of me) so I could meet her face-to-face and apologize. I even heard through someone I didn’t know that I made her cry at one point because of a song I made up and practically screamed while our class was working in the library.
“Row, row, row, your boat gently down the sea. Throw Mrs. Bortz off the boat and listen to her scream. Three days later, she’s floatin down the Delaware, chewin on her underwear, can’t find another pair. Three days later, she’s bittin by a polar bear and thats how Mrs. Bortz died. Hooray!”
Just plain cruel. Yet, she did treat me really bad too between embarrassing me in front of the class, and lying about me to other teachers. 6th grade was the only time in my life that I was truly unhappy. Its the reason I can’t judge people for committing suicide.
