Medical School 2
One of the greatest things that could possibly happen, happened last friday. My microbiology teacher selected me to do undergraduate research with him beginning in the spring, which will last until I graduate. I am his only undergraduate student and he told me he had been watching me all semester hoping he could recruit me. How flattering!! It would make such a big difference on my resume that I have already published research and spoken at conferences when I apply to medical school.
That may sound extremely exciting, but now I feel more pressure than ever. Before, I was only letting myself down if I failed. Now, I will also be letting down this professor who has decided to stick a hand out and help me on my way. Also, I am now forced to be close to and trust him. How many adults do I trust in my life….one, my father. This for me is the scariest part. I am constantly fighting inside to try and keep myself from reverting to who I think he wants me to be. It is exhausting trying to be yourself around someone you have such high respect for when you don’t think your personality is good enough.
I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days now and it feels like i have a constantly worried feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if its excitement about getting this offer or just plain horror that I may completely fail and let down everyone who has dedicated their time to making me the person I am today.
I’m hoping it will pass as my next set of courses prove just as easy as the last three sets.
On Being Shallow
There is a friend of mine who keeps confessing his feelings for me. I really don’t know how to respond. And, I’m not even sure why I am so set on giving him a no answer. He is the typical “nerd” who knows the ins and outs of computer/video games and rarely talks to girls. I would be lying if I said I was attracted to him, but is physical attraction a good enough excuse to say no to someone? I have convinced myself that it isn’t, so i have continually picked out things that I think would make us incompatible. He’s too shy, he wont be able to please me sexually, he goes to a college a few hours away from mine, and I’m already involved in a few relationship-type things. For him, that doesn’t seem good enough. Its almost as if guys would prefer if you told them you were saying no because you don’t find them attractive enough. That way you look like a bad person and they escape with some dignity. Maybe I’m just bitter right now because of how pressured I feel to have feelings for people they don’t exist for.
Reading my teacher’s blog today really makes me miss him. He’s one of the few people I have been able to look up to in my life, yet I always get so nervous to talk to him just in case I say or do something that will cause him to lose respect for me. I hope by the end of this semester I’ll be able to give him the news that I have a 4.0 for my first semester of college. If i can even get myself to tell him that. I don’t know why I always feel like I’m not good enough for those to care about. Well, maybe I do know why, but I’d rather not use that as an excuse.
With finals coming up, I haven’t had much time to make any progress in my Buddhism book. 
Good thing I took notes so I wouldn’t forget anything important in between readings. Pretty soon I’ll be back home with my family, friends, and puppy!
Chyeah
My mother and sister are back from England. Hooray! (Sarcasm) I’ve already been bombarded with constant dumb questions. I was up at 5am listening to my mother’s coffee grinder. Nice. I bought dinner for them last night. Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I don’t get along with them or engage my mother in her pointless questions. Okay, I’m being a bit harsh. Sorry.
I’ve gained ten pounds since last year. I need to check my eating habits. It seems like I’ve lost control over something I’m usually very disciplined about. I’ve been running though as usual about 4 miles a day.
I’ve recently been joining chat rooms and talking to people. Its really cool getting to know other people, but you get an awfully lot of nasty guys trying to get u to talk dirty to them. Bluhh..Some of them are like 40 years old. I got into a really good conversation with a 21 year old the other day about politics. lol You know that makes me happy. I recommended Cormac McCarthy to some guy who likes dark literature so i got to tell him about my two favorite teachers. (He is a philosophy teacher)
Oh yeah…!! I have my new laptop! Even if it isn’t a Mac like English majors are supposed to have. Oh well. My dad says he’s going to take this laptop and buy me a mac when the time comes. I’ve kinda grown attached to this one already though. Super Cr3w is my wallpaper!
Chyeah
My mother and sister are back from England. Hooray! (Sarcasm) I’ve already been bombarded with constant dumb questions. I was up at 5am listening to my mother’s coffee grinder. Nice. I bought dinner for them last night. Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I don’t get along with them or engage my mother in her pointless questions. Okay, I’m being a bit harsh. Sorry.
I’ve gained ten pounds since last year. I need to check my eating habits. It seems like I’ve lost control over something I’m usually very disciplined about. I’ve been running though as usual about 4 miles a day.
I’ve recently been joining chat rooms and talking to people. Its really cool getting to know other people, but you get an awfully lot of nasty guys trying to get u to talk dirty to them. Bluhh..Some of them are like 40 years old. I got into a really good conversation with a 21 year old the other day about politics. lol You know that makes me happy. I recommended Cormac McCarthy to some guy who likes dark literature so i got to tell him about my two favorite teachers. (He is a philosophy teacher)
Oh yeah…!! I have my new laptop! Even if it isn’t a Mac like English majors are supposed to have. Oh well. My dad says he’s going to take this laptop and buy me a mac when the time comes. I’ve kinda grown attached to this one already though. Super Cr3w is my wallpaper!
Ge Ge Gee Unit!
Neways…J just sent me a really long message. I’m so lucky I ended up taking that class. Its weird to say that my english teacher is one of my best friends. Well, actually, other people might find that weird. I really don’t. If you meet someone special, who the heck cares about the circumstances. But really, how often do adults take time out of their day for someone younger? I mean, I’m not talking age necessarily. More of an authority vs. lack of authority. He’s only seven years older than me. He really has gone above and beyond to improve my life. He is actually going to meet me at a coffee house to discuss poetry and help me figure out what classes i should be taking at Ball State. Awesome!
I’m kinda glad that I’m not the serious relationship type. My friend Sam from work just had her heart broken. I mean, I respect the guy for ending it now rather than leading her on until the end of the summer, but she is devastated. She will probably learn something from this experience though so I hope she looks at the positive side of things. I’m sure she’ll find an amazing guy in college.
Uhhh….this next part will take some explaining. I was best friends with a girl named Jessica through middle school and most of high school, but we have grown apart this past year. I mean, its kinda my fault, but I really can’t stand being around her much. I feel so bad about it too. She keeps bringing up awkward conversations that she knows I share opposite views on. Like, she is 18 and thinks her bf, who is going off to college somewhere else, is going to marry her. She keeps talking about how she wants to have babies with him. WTF? what am i supposed to say to that when I’m the kind of person who thinks you shouldn’t really have sex until you’re married. (Not for religious purposes obviously). And then she’ll be like, “We never talk anymore. How do you feel about how we’ve grown apart? Why don’t you hang out with me?” She just puts me on the spot like that. I really don’t hang out with anyone on a regular basis because i like my space!! Well, maybe that was harsh, but the emotions are pretty raw from being confronted once more no the issue during work. That makes things even more fun.
I’ve been messin around with my poetry lately and trying different things. I don’t think the poems i’m writing are great material, but i think its good to try different styles.
Moody.
Ugh. I’m having another down day. Thank goodness I was able to go shopping with Mary. I ended up getting Blood Meridian by Cormac. Who knows whether I’ll like it or not.
Contributors to my crappy mood:
-I haven’t talked to Howard in almost a week.
-I was joking around and called Howard a jerk when I was talking to Mr. Hill because Howard was wrong about something he told me, for the hundredth time, and I think I offended Mr. Hill. I feel like an uber b****. My sarcasm always gets misunderstood. It makes me feel like I just shouldn’t talk to people, especially people I look up to.
-Gabby was online the other day for about 40 minutes, but i guess that wasn’t long enough for him to send me a short message. I don’t know what I did wrong or why all of a sudden i’ve been thrown out of his life. but it hurts.
I just keep reading and writing to try and make myself feel better. I guess I’ve just been feeling so lonely. oh well. I’ll get over it in a couple days.
And Again.
Here I go again letting someone I care about hurt my feelings. Why do I care so much?
Its amazing how long it takes for some things to heal.
I need someone to talk to right now, but i don’t think it would help if i had someone anyway. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to express myself properly.
Its Setting In.
It didn’t start setting in until tonight as I was opening one card after the other from my family. Most of my family has very little money and I kept opening up my cards to hundred dollar bills. I can’t even imagine what that 100 dollars could do for their family. Why would they give it to me? Yeah, I’m graduating, but I bet I have more money saved up in my bank account than a few of my relatives do. That kills me. I don’t want to take their money that they need so bad, but I can’t give it back can I? Maybe I just need to write each person a long thank you letter and include a poem or something. My family really went above and beyond…too beyond in my opinion. 955 dollars, not including what my parents are giving me (I don’t know what that is). Way too much.
Another thing that hit me was saying bye to Mr. Hill. He has one of the most sincere smiles. I brought my family over to meet him…actually, i made them come all the way back from the front of the building to see him and Jankowski. I can’t believe that I wont be seeing him anymore. I just feel like I’m leaving behind someone who has made one of the biggest positive impacts on my life. I mean, I’ll make sure to keep in contact with him but talking to him online is different from seeing him at school just to know he’s around. It feels like I’m leaving my support behind. I’m taking all of my graded papers from his class and the card he gave me at creative writing club with me though for when I need some words of wisdom. Yeah, my family is supportive…but i know that secretly my parents wish i was doing something else with my life. English was never what they wanted.
I’m making it a goal to make sure I hang out with all of my good friends this summer…since it may be my last chance.
Creative Writing Club
Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I just got home from an amazing night, yet, I can’t get our last meeting out of my mind. Yes, the note Mr. Hill wrote me was tear jerking, but I think it is the small things he’s said to me and to other people that will make me miss him more than any other teacher or adult (including my family) i’m leaving behind. I sent him a copy of my poem and he sent me back, “Man, Lindsey, that’s phenomenal.” I would’ve settled for a thanks, or a “nice try” but to hear that from someone I look up to that much really just made my week. Then, seeing him cry at creative writing club killed me…I wanted to go over and pat him on the back or something. I figured that if everyone else could keep it together, I could as well. I really feel like I’m leaving my one support line behind, even though I’m going to make sure we keep in touch. I wish I would’ve joined the club a lot sooner, but I didn’t even know about it until right before second semester.
-me and Gabby saw the new Narnia movie.
-at work today, one girl was tipsy, my manager was bitchy, and we were busy.
Feelings hurt.
So, in American Literature today, J was making fun of me for being a Hillary supporter so then I started to say, “I would never vote for a republican,” but stopped and then some how, I don’t remember what I said, something like, “oh yeah, there are quite a few republicans in here, but he was like, “we shouldn’t judge people for their beliefs”….uhhh…??? I was just joking around. I wouldn’t think any lesser of a republican. they just don’t share my views. So, it really hurt my feelings that he would say something like that to me because he should know I’m not the type to shoot down someone for their beliefs. Then, since my feelings were hurt, I accidentally lashed out on Hopper. I was at the back of the line going into the dark room and got in there last and Mrs. Hopper was like, “uhh..you need to be on the other side of the room.” and I was like, “sorry, I can’t read your mind.” She got really mad and confronted me about that. It WAS really rude on my part and I wouldn’t have said it if I hadn’t just had my feelings hurt. I felt horrible…just to add to how shitty I was feeling before that.
Now I don’t feel like talking to J at all. In my mind, i just see him as understanding me, but he really doesn’t. I don’t know if anyone does. Isn’t that a lovely feeling–having so much to say, yet no one to understand what you’re saying. I’m so bad at communicating my feelings.
