Medical School 2
One of the greatest things that could possibly happen, happened last friday. My microbiology teacher selected me to do undergraduate research with him beginning in the spring, which will last until I graduate. I am his only undergraduate student and he told me he had been watching me all semester hoping he could recruit me. How flattering!! It would make such a big difference on my resume that I have already published research and spoken at conferences when I apply to medical school.
That may sound extremely exciting, but now I feel more pressure than ever. Before, I was only letting myself down if I failed. Now, I will also be letting down this professor who has decided to stick a hand out and help me on my way. Also, I am now forced to be close to and trust him. How many adults do I trust in my life….one, my father. This for me is the scariest part. I am constantly fighting inside to try and keep myself from reverting to who I think he wants me to be. It is exhausting trying to be yourself around someone you have such high respect for when you don’t think your personality is good enough.
I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days now and it feels like i have a constantly worried feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if its excitement about getting this offer or just plain horror that I may completely fail and let down everyone who has dedicated their time to making me the person I am today.
I’m hoping it will pass as my next set of courses prove just as easy as the last three sets.
Medical School
I finally made the decision to switch my major over to Biology with PreMed today when I found out there was only one spot left in the Bio class I needed and 17 spots in the chem class I needed. When I was talking to my father over dinner at Carlos O’Kellys, it was the first time he has ever questioned a decision I have made, so I began crying right in the middle of appetizers.
It is so scary to me that I have a 50 percent chance to be who I want now. It may come down to something completely independent of how much work I put into it. Maybe during the interview, they may decide that I’m not assertive enough to be a doctor and therefore deny my application. Who really knows? Lets be honest. You really can’t do anything with a Biology major these days. There are very few options since there are so many biology majors. I am scared to death. It really didn’t help matters when my dad started asking questions like, “what are u doing to do with a biology major?” and “what are the odds that you will actually make it that far?” Before, he has always accepted anything and gone beyond to help me organize my schedule and make another four year plan.
Also, I have been writing essays for a tutoring job I’m applying for over the summer. It makes me nervous because it asks questions about my leadership qualities, but I never actually take leadership positions.
I am never really stressed, but I am starting to really feel it. I’m also lonely. It would be so nice just to have someone touch me in a non-sexual way that showed that I was worthy of their affection and time. It has been so long since I’ve felt that from a person other than a relative or close friend. It just seems like I am never good enough to be that one person that means enough to a guy that he commits and shows that he cares.
I just need to get my emotions in check. There are way too many downers going on at once and I need to focus on the positive side of everything.
Lactococcus lactis sbsp. lactis
That’s right. I discovered what my unknown bacteria is. Can I get a what What! Now I just have to finish the 10 page paper that goes along with it. I only have two sections left though, so I don’t have much more!!
I’m getting chubby again. lol I’m going back on the all salad diet. Good thing Woodworth is open. Their salads are AMAZING! Today, my salad consisted of spinach, feta cheese, Greek olives, mushrooms, egg, croutons, and poppyseed dressing. What are your top favorite salad toppers?
Meanwhile…I wrote a creative piece today. I’m not that proud of it because I think it is poorly written, but it felt nice to actually write one of the many ideas going through my head. I’m sure my creative writing will get better though, so I wont get too down on myself. Yet.
Great Day
-Went to work to find get a surprise employee evaluation. Turns out I have absolutely nothing I need to work on. The conversation ended with me getting a pay raise to 8.25 per hour. My job doesn’t usually give pay raises. So, now I will be making 500 dollars per month before taxes are taken out. Hellz yeah.
-Letter from the dean came saying that I made it on the university’s dean list as well as the dean list for applied sciences. I guess I get a pin for that achievement? Sweet! lol
-Side note: I am completely obsessed with Love Game by Lady Gaga. Still waiting on my micro lab partner to burn me her CD. I feel like I have been getting all of my sexuality out by living vicariously through trashy tv shows and sexy music videos. It actually is a pretty effective substitute.
Microbiology
I have always thought that I would dislike microbiology because of all of the use with a microscope, but I have found my reaction to be the complete opposite. This class may even be my favorite class I have taken as a college student. It really is extremely interesting looking at the bacteria you have personally collected, especially since you know that it lives on you or in your environment.
90% of the cells that form you body are bacteria cells rather than human cells.
B= streptococcus: cause of strep throat and many other illnesses.
H= streptobacillus: found in the mouth of rats.
–both of these were found in a water fountain I swabbed.
I think this proves that I made the right decision in switching majors, even if I know I’ll really miss taking English courses.
Oh, and Unicorn Head, that movie wasn’t nearly as funny as you and everyone else said it would be. Just average.
Being Touched.
My roommate and I ended up getting into another one of our half hour long conversations, this time about the differences in the attitudes of South Koreans and Americans. (My roommate is South Korean). She told me that the South Koreans have a place to take public baths and there is a person there whose job is to scrub each person down with a cloth and make them feel clean.
I just couldn’t imagine having a stranger scrubbing my body in such a personal way in front of so many people. In my speech class, someone gave a speech about how we are a touch-starved nation. I completely agree. Everyone feels lonely in a different way. I think that breaking that fear of physical contact between people would help bring us together. Its clear that human touch is critical to our development both mentally and physically, so its odd that we are so focused on maintaining our distance from other people.
This past chat has made me want to spend hours researching South Korean culture. I really feel clueless about where my roommate is coming from and I would really like to learn more about how she has lived her entire life. I’ll probably post again next time something really interesting comes up.
Reductionism
Reductionism: all of thoughts and behaviors can be explained as neural activity.
When my psych teacher first put this on the board, I began thinking, “Here we go again with the theories about biological inheritance everyone knows to be only partially true.” Well, I ended up being completely surprised and mentally challenged for the first time in a long time.
The reductionism theories argue that the neurons in our body are completely responsible for every thought and action that we do, creating an illusion of “self” by creating explanations for our behavior.
Scientists have been conducting experiments on former epilepsy patients who had their cerebrum split in half to stop the conduction of neural messages from one side of the brain to the other. The way that vision is processed, if you see something on the right side of your body, it will be transferred to the left side of your brain, and vice versa. For patients with split brains, the right and left sides of the brain can’t communicate. Therefore, if you show a word to the patient on the left side of their body, it will be sent to the right side of the brain, and decoded there. The language center of the brain is on the left side, however, and will not be able to say or even recall the message that was shown.
Scientists tried this approach using a command. They flashed the command, “walk,” to a patient, and the patient got up and started walking away. While the left side of the brain had no idea why the body was walking away, the patient still responded to the scientist, “I need to get a pop,” when asked why they were leaving.
The left side of the brain had no knowledge that the right side had been commanded to get up and walk, but still created an excuse for the behavior.
This creation of a made up response on the spot may mean that everything we think or do is completely created for us as an illusion, while the neurons are actually in complete control.
I was just blown away by this theory, since I have never heard anything like it before. After I started digesting it though, it seemed more and more less likely that neurons, which are responsible for receiving and transmitting messages, would have the power to determine what is best for our survival in such a changing world.
Shush Girl, Shush Your Lips
Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.
These past few weekends have been completely amazing, disregarding the infection and severe rash, but who cares about that stuff. I have experienced so many of those “perfect” moments lately, it just feels like my life is a perfect moment.
Last Thursday–another long night of dancing the night away until my back was so sore I could hardly hold myself up. Wow.
Friday night just was indescribable. My friends and I went party hopping and ended up at this “mansion” which was really not even a large house, on the opposite side of muncie. Yes, we walked those many miles. We walked in, not knowing anyone, and immediately realized we didn’t exactly belong. It was a party hosted by a ton of theater majors, who seemed particularly fond of popular 80’s songs. It was fantastic. Everyone jumped up and down together to our favorite songs that we grew up listening too…u can’t get better than that…
LaFollette ended up getting evacuated (again) around 3am, so we decided to stay the night in our newly met friend’s room–4 girls squashed on a slab of wood covered with a slight cushion. Yes, even that just seemed perfect. 3 of my best friends squished together with me, having survived another long night out on the town.
Saturday, I went out with a huge group of guys–I was the only girl. Really, that is just fabulous already. We went to get hot dogs from the famous “Carter” along with half of Ball State. Its amazing how long people will wait in line to get a 1 dollar hot dog. It was just amazing feeling like I’m apart of such a tradition, standing out there with all of my drunk peers (or so it seemed based on their behavior). The “drunk party trolley” as it has been named, kept driving around picking up partiers to be driven around town.
After eating the hot dog, we passed by a band that was playing, and it was an experience I think I will always remember. It just added once more to that content feeling of being apart of something big and beautiful as a whole. A group of college students surrounded the band, and I watched many of them bob up and down to the music in unison. It reminded me of the The American Life episode Mr. Hill showed us where a bunch of people faked being fans and described one of the fake fans as “bobbing along to the music mouthing every word.” The band was great; the crowd was great. I need to go to a concert.
I headed back to my new friend’s dorm room once more to watch the guys play some Zombie game, which actually creeped me out. Zombies are scary. But, by 5am, I was dead tired so I just fell asleep once more in my friend’s room.
I originally came to Ball State thinking, “I will never be one of those people who stay out until 5am.” But now, I can’t believe how much I would have missed if I stayed in on a regular basis. Yes, the primary function of college is to help educate me on the subjects needed for my future job, but what I have got out of it so far has been so much more than that. I can’t wait for summer classes to begin; a whole new experience, with a whole new different set of people.
A Good Question
Lindsay asked me, “If you could be anything you wanted and knew you would be successful at it, what would it be?”
My first thoughts may seem like obvious things you would assume I would come up with.
1. Obviously, something that makes other people happy. So, I thought a counselor of some sort.
2. Then I thought about how much I enjoyed working some where as simple as DeBrand.
3. And then came a professional dancer, until I thought about how much clothes I would have to take off to get to that point.
4. My fourth thought was something in the medical field.
5. My last and final thought may seem kinda odd since I’ve never shown an interest in this specific area before, but I think I would be a romance author if I could do anything and I knew I’d be successful. Yes, I think that romance novels are often shallow and predictable, but they leave millions of readers with a sense of happiness and confidence they didn’t have before. I would love to be that Nora Roberts or Nicholas Sparks that helps a women feel like she does have something to offer the world. If I could make millions of people smile through a simple story of two people finding love in a difficult world, I would be so overfilled with happiness that I swear I would feel like bursting.
That answer shocked me and shows that a bit of self-searching can reveal to you what is really down deep in your dreams.
New Years…
I haven’t had much time to make new year resolutions, so here is a rough draft:
1. Let someone get close to me. I’m sick of feeling like I dont have a single friend who considers me their one person they know they can count on when the times get rough. It makes me cry just thinking about the fact that I am close to no one.
2. Increase my self-worth. Dont mistake this for a lack of confidence. I feel like I can achieve anything for myself. The problem though, which plays in with number 1, is that i dont feel like i’m good enough for those i care about. Friends, teachers, guys, parents… For the people I care most about, I can’t even figure out why they would want to talk to me. I can’t figure out what I have to offer other people.
3. Lose 20 pounds. Yes, I know its shallow, but maybe writing it down will help me achieve it.
4. Become Buddhist. Well, begin becoming Buddhist.
5. Keep up my 4.0 GPA.
