Medical School 2
One of the greatest things that could possibly happen, happened last friday. My microbiology teacher selected me to do undergraduate research with him beginning in the spring, which will last until I graduate. I am his only undergraduate student and he told me he had been watching me all semester hoping he could recruit me. How flattering!! It would make such a big difference on my resume that I have already published research and spoken at conferences when I apply to medical school.
That may sound extremely exciting, but now I feel more pressure than ever. Before, I was only letting myself down if I failed. Now, I will also be letting down this professor who has decided to stick a hand out and help me on my way. Also, I am now forced to be close to and trust him. How many adults do I trust in my life….one, my father. This for me is the scariest part. I am constantly fighting inside to try and keep myself from reverting to who I think he wants me to be. It is exhausting trying to be yourself around someone you have such high respect for when you don’t think your personality is good enough.
I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days now and it feels like i have a constantly worried feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if its excitement about getting this offer or just plain horror that I may completely fail and let down everyone who has dedicated their time to making me the person I am today.
I’m hoping it will pass as my next set of courses prove just as easy as the last three sets.
50 Things I Will Never Do
I was looking at prompts on a creative writing site and this one came up. I thought it was a little edgy because no one usually asks what you aren’t willing to do. Just whether you WOULD do something. You guys better post a list too!
I will never:
- Steal from my parents or friends.
- Go skinny dipping in Ball State’s syphilis infested pond.
- Cry to get out of a speeding ticket.
- Forget what its like to be bullied.
- Forget what its like to bully others.
- Care more about the money than the patients.
- Respect women in authority positions as much as men.
- Forget how much my parents sacrificed for me growing up.
- Have a one night stand.
- Stop learning.
- Give up on life.
- Have an abortion.
- Stop trying to please other people.
- Think I’m good enough for the people I care about most.
- Feel comfortable around people I have extreme respect for.
- Take illegal drugs in the form of pills.
- Allow my friends to leave a party with strangers.
- Forgive myself for the way I treated my 6th grade teachers.
- Stop donating change to street performers.
- Lose my love of dance, literature, or exercise.
- Completely isolate myself from others, as I often feel like doing.
- Feel completely comfortable with my body.
- Stop thinking that he might have been the one.
- Be a good liar.
- Let my desire for alcohol affect my life.
- Drink on a school night.
- Be dependent on a man.
- Believe in God.
- Look down on someone because of their job, living arrangements, or education level.
- Have good fashion sense.
- Be sexual with a friend’s bf/lover/husband/partner.
- Get plastic surgery.
- Make my bed each morning.
- Enjoy cooking.
- Read Twilight.
- Drive intoxicated.
- Allow a friend to drive intoxicated.
- Forget what its like to lose a best friend.
- Be afraid of dying.
- Stop falling in love too easily.
- Marry someone for money.
- Stop biting my nails.
- Be attracted to a man with perfect abs.
- Stop wishing/trying to be a better person.
- Forget to appreciate the stars.
- Prefer compliments over criticism.
- Be great at verbally expressing my emotions.
- Stop enjoying Disney movies.
- Stop enjoying the sound of running water.
- Enjoy sleeping up against a wall.
Lactococcus lactis sbsp. lactis
That’s right. I discovered what my unknown bacteria is. Can I get a what What! Now I just have to finish the 10 page paper that goes along with it. I only have two sections left though, so I don’t have much more!!
I’m getting chubby again. lol I’m going back on the all salad diet. Good thing Woodworth is open. Their salads are AMAZING! Today, my salad consisted of spinach, feta cheese, Greek olives, mushrooms, egg, croutons, and poppyseed dressing. What are your top favorite salad toppers?
Meanwhile…I wrote a creative piece today. I’m not that proud of it because I think it is poorly written, but it felt nice to actually write one of the many ideas going through my head. I’m sure my creative writing will get better though, so I wont get too down on myself. Yet.
Loss of Sexuality
The past couple months have brought about a huge change in my behavior towards the people I am attracted to. Usually I am oozing sexual energy, hardly able to control my flirtatious personality. Lately though, I have just been blocking that part of me. I’m tired of attracting guys to me that just want to be with me for my sexual and flirtatious nature. I actually want someone who will care about me for more than that; I feel like I have more to offer than the sexual side of my personality. Another part of it is a lack of confidence in my ability to keep a person’s attention without using my sex appeal.
I can’t decide if I like the new person I have become. I think by caging my sexual self, it is causing me to be someone else. At the same time though, I’m not sure if relationships work when there is so much sexual activity in and out of the relationship. I am just so confused about what other people like best and whether being less sexual is a better way to find a person to care for you.
I am looking forward to meeting new people this summer so I can try some new things out, since they wont have any pre-knowledge about who I am as a person or what to expect from me. That way I will be able to figure out what works best to really find a person that will care about me. Not necessarily in a serious, relationship-type way. Maybe more of a respect and understanding type of caring, since i’m not sure i have had much of either of those in my past relationships.
Shush Girl, Shush Your Lips
Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.
These past few weekends have been completely amazing, disregarding the infection and severe rash, but who cares about that stuff. I have experienced so many of those “perfect” moments lately, it just feels like my life is a perfect moment.
Last Thursday–another long night of dancing the night away until my back was so sore I could hardly hold myself up. Wow.
Friday night just was indescribable. My friends and I went party hopping and ended up at this “mansion” which was really not even a large house, on the opposite side of muncie. Yes, we walked those many miles. We walked in, not knowing anyone, and immediately realized we didn’t exactly belong. It was a party hosted by a ton of theater majors, who seemed particularly fond of popular 80’s songs. It was fantastic. Everyone jumped up and down together to our favorite songs that we grew up listening too…u can’t get better than that…
LaFollette ended up getting evacuated (again) around 3am, so we decided to stay the night in our newly met friend’s room–4 girls squashed on a slab of wood covered with a slight cushion. Yes, even that just seemed perfect. 3 of my best friends squished together with me, having survived another long night out on the town.
Saturday, I went out with a huge group of guys–I was the only girl. Really, that is just fabulous already. We went to get hot dogs from the famous “Carter” along with half of Ball State. Its amazing how long people will wait in line to get a 1 dollar hot dog. It was just amazing feeling like I’m apart of such a tradition, standing out there with all of my drunk peers (or so it seemed based on their behavior). The “drunk party trolley” as it has been named, kept driving around picking up partiers to be driven around town.
After eating the hot dog, we passed by a band that was playing, and it was an experience I think I will always remember. It just added once more to that content feeling of being apart of something big and beautiful as a whole. A group of college students surrounded the band, and I watched many of them bob up and down to the music in unison. It reminded me of the The American Life episode Mr. Hill showed us where a bunch of people faked being fans and described one of the fake fans as “bobbing along to the music mouthing every word.” The band was great; the crowd was great. I need to go to a concert.
I headed back to my new friend’s dorm room once more to watch the guys play some Zombie game, which actually creeped me out. Zombies are scary. But, by 5am, I was dead tired so I just fell asleep once more in my friend’s room.
I originally came to Ball State thinking, “I will never be one of those people who stay out until 5am.” But now, I can’t believe how much I would have missed if I stayed in on a regular basis. Yes, the primary function of college is to help educate me on the subjects needed for my future job, but what I have got out of it so far has been so much more than that. I can’t wait for summer classes to begin; a whole new experience, with a whole new different set of people.
Working Out
In the past month, I have lost 7 pounds!! I think that is a sign that I need to see the new Will Smith movie–well, maybe not.
A Good Question
Lindsay asked me, “If you could be anything you wanted and knew you would be successful at it, what would it be?”
My first thoughts may seem like obvious things you would assume I would come up with.
1. Obviously, something that makes other people happy. So, I thought a counselor of some sort.
2. Then I thought about how much I enjoyed working some where as simple as DeBrand.
3. And then came a professional dancer, until I thought about how much clothes I would have to take off to get to that point.
4. My fourth thought was something in the medical field.
5. My last and final thought may seem kinda odd since I’ve never shown an interest in this specific area before, but I think I would be a romance author if I could do anything and I knew I’d be successful. Yes, I think that romance novels are often shallow and predictable, but they leave millions of readers with a sense of happiness and confidence they didn’t have before. I would love to be that Nora Roberts or Nicholas Sparks that helps a women feel like she does have something to offer the world. If I could make millions of people smile through a simple story of two people finding love in a difficult world, I would be so overfilled with happiness that I swear I would feel like bursting.
That answer shocked me and shows that a bit of self-searching can reveal to you what is really down deep in your dreams.
New Years…
I haven’t had much time to make new year resolutions, so here is a rough draft:
1. Let someone get close to me. I’m sick of feeling like I dont have a single friend who considers me their one person they know they can count on when the times get rough. It makes me cry just thinking about the fact that I am close to no one.
2. Increase my self-worth. Dont mistake this for a lack of confidence. I feel like I can achieve anything for myself. The problem though, which plays in with number 1, is that i dont feel like i’m good enough for those i care about. Friends, teachers, guys, parents… For the people I care most about, I can’t even figure out why they would want to talk to me. I can’t figure out what I have to offer other people.
3. Lose 20 pounds. Yes, I know its shallow, but maybe writing it down will help me achieve it.
4. Become Buddhist. Well, begin becoming Buddhist.
5. Keep up my 4.0 GPA.
Some Seriousness
My good friend’s parents are getting a divorce. I think this is one area i feel completely clueless about. She keeps looking to me for advice, but i really couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would feel like. Especially since the circumstances of the divorce are situations that would be impossible to create within my family. I think most people know by now i don’t have a good extended family situation. This friend’s father is prohibiting her and her mother from seeing any of her mother’s side of the family–her mother isn’t aloud to talk to her own sister. Obviously, no one would try to keep me from seeing my family because i don’t see them much anyway, so i just don’t know how to make her feel better. I’ve been trying to get her out and about as much as possible, but since her mother has no one to go to for help with the divorce since she can’t talk to her family, my friend is her only help and has to stay at home a lot.
I’m meeting J for coffee tomorrow to exchange poetry and ideas. I am really nervous. I’m so confident when it comes to accomplishing things–I pretty much feel like I can do anything and become whoever I want to be. There is a problem though. I never feel like I’m good enough. For anyone. I feel like I’m going to let J down with my poetry, heck, I don’t even feel like I deserve all of the help he has given me already. I don’t get why he would want to help me when there are so many students out there that are sooo good at writing and so intelligent.
My last day at work was today. I am going to miss it soo much. I really love all of the people there. Alex and I were flirting a lot…but, I still couldn’t even begin to guess what goes on inside that head of his. lol. On Tuesday, the high schoolers from work are getting together and renting a hotel room for the night. We are going to go tp our manager’s house around 4am. I really can’t wait. lol. I’m going to stick some OSU flags in her yard too. There are going to be like 7 of us, so her house is going to be demolished. lol.
Ge Ge Gee Unit!
Neways…J just sent me a really long message. I’m so lucky I ended up taking that class. Its weird to say that my english teacher is one of my best friends. Well, actually, other people might find that weird. I really don’t. If you meet someone special, who the heck cares about the circumstances. But really, how often do adults take time out of their day for someone younger? I mean, I’m not talking age necessarily. More of an authority vs. lack of authority. He’s only seven years older than me. He really has gone above and beyond to improve my life. He is actually going to meet me at a coffee house to discuss poetry and help me figure out what classes i should be taking at Ball State. Awesome!
I’m kinda glad that I’m not the serious relationship type. My friend Sam from work just had her heart broken. I mean, I respect the guy for ending it now rather than leading her on until the end of the summer, but she is devastated. She will probably learn something from this experience though so I hope she looks at the positive side of things. I’m sure she’ll find an amazing guy in college.
Uhhh….this next part will take some explaining. I was best friends with a girl named Jessica through middle school and most of high school, but we have grown apart this past year. I mean, its kinda my fault, but I really can’t stand being around her much. I feel so bad about it too. She keeps bringing up awkward conversations that she knows I share opposite views on. Like, she is 18 and thinks her bf, who is going off to college somewhere else, is going to marry her. She keeps talking about how she wants to have babies with him. WTF? what am i supposed to say to that when I’m the kind of person who thinks you shouldn’t really have sex until you’re married. (Not for religious purposes obviously). And then she’ll be like, “We never talk anymore. How do you feel about how we’ve grown apart? Why don’t you hang out with me?” She just puts me on the spot like that. I really don’t hang out with anyone on a regular basis because i like my space!! Well, maybe that was harsh, but the emotions are pretty raw from being confronted once more no the issue during work. That makes things even more fun.
I’ve been messin around with my poetry lately and trying different things. I don’t think the poems i’m writing are great material, but i think its good to try different styles.
