One of the greatest things that could possibly happen, happened last friday. My microbiology teacher selected me to do undergraduate research with him beginning in the spring, which will last until I graduate. I am his only undergraduate student and he told me he had been watching me all semester hoping he could recruit me. How flattering!! It would make such a big difference on my resume that I have already published research and spoken at conferences when I apply to medical school.

That may sound extremely exciting, but now I feel more pressure than ever. Before, I was only letting myself down if I failed. Now, I will also be letting down this professor who has decided to stick a hand out and help me on my way. Also, I am now forced to be close to and trust him. How many adults do I trust in my life….one, my father. This for me is the scariest part. I am constantly fighting inside to try and keep myself from reverting to who I think he wants me to be. It is exhausting trying to be yourself around someone you have such high respect for when you don’t think your personality is good enough.

I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days now and it feels like i have a constantly worried feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if its excitement about getting this offer or just plain horror that I may completely fail and let down everyone who has dedicated their time to making me the person I am today.

I’m hoping it will pass as my next set of courses prove just as easy as the last three sets.

I was looking at prompts on a creative writing site and this one came up. I thought it was a little edgy because no one usually asks what you aren’t willing to do. Just whether you WOULD do something. You guys better post a list too!

I will never:

1. Steal from my parents or friends.
2. Go skinny dipping in Ball State’s syphilis infested pond.
3. Cry to get out of a speeding ticket.
4. Forget what its like to be bullied.
5. Forget what its like to bully others.
6. Care more about the money than the patients.
7. Respect women in authority positions as much as men.
8. Forget how much my parents sacrificed for me growing up.
9. Have a one night stand.
10. Stop learning.
11. Give up on life.
12. Have an abortion.
13. Stop trying to please other people.
14. Think I’m good enough for the people I care about most.
15. Feel comfortable around people I have extreme respect for.
16. Take illegal drugs in the form of pills.
17. Allow my friends to leave a party with strangers.
18. Forgive myself for the way I treated my 6th grade teachers.
19. Stop donating change to street performers.
20. Lose my love of dance, literature, or exercise.
21. Completely isolate myself from others, as I often feel like doing.
22. Feel completely comfortable with my body.
23. Stop thinking that he might have been the one.
24. Be a good liar.
25. Let my desire for alcohol affect my life.
26. Drink on a school night.
27. Be dependent on a man.
28. Believe in God.
29. Look down on someone because of their job, living arrangements, or education level.
30. Have good fashion sense.
31. Be sexual with a friend’s bf/lover/husband/partner.
32. Get plastic surgery.
33. Make my bed each morning.
34. Enjoy cooking.
35. Read Twilight.
36. Drive intoxicated.
37. Allow a friend to drive intoxicated.
38. Forget what its like to lose a best friend.
39. Be afraid of dying.
40. Stop falling in love too easily.
41. Marry someone for money.
42. Stop biting my nails.
43. Be attracted to a man with perfect abs.
44. Stop wishing/trying to be a better person.
45. Forget to appreciate the stars.
46. Prefer compliments over criticism.
47. Be great at verbally expressing my emotions.
48. Stop enjoying Disney movies.
49. Stop enjoying the sound of running water.
50. Enjoy sleeping up against a wall.

I finally made the decision to switch my major over to Biology with PreMed today when I found out there was only one spot left in the Bio class I needed and 17 spots in the chem class I needed. When I was talking to my father over dinner at Carlos O’Kellys, it was the first time he has ever questioned a decision I have made, so I began crying right in the middle of appetizers.

It is so scary to me that I have a 50 percent chance to be who I want now. It may come down to something completely independent of how much work I put into it. Maybe during the interview, they may decide that I’m not assertive enough to be a doctor and therefore deny my application. Who really knows? Lets be honest. You really can’t do anything with a Biology major these days. There are very few options since there are so many biology majors. I am scared to death. It really didn’t help matters when my dad started asking questions like, “what are u doing to do with a biology major?” and “what are the odds that you will actually make it that far?” Before, he has always accepted anything and gone beyond to help me organize my schedule and make another four year plan.

Also, I have been writing essays for a tutoring job I’m applying for over the summer. It makes me nervous because it asks questions about my leadership qualities, but I never actually take leadership positions.

I am never really stressed, but I am starting to really feel it. I’m also lonely. It would be so nice just to have someone touch me in a non-sexual way that showed that I was worthy of their affection and time. It has been so long since I’ve felt that from a person other than a relative or close friend. It just seems like I am never good enough to be that one person that means enough to a guy that he commits and shows that he cares.

I just need to get my emotions in check. There are way too many downers going on at once and I need to focus on the positive side of everything.

That’s right. I discovered what my unknown bacteria is. Can I get a what What! Now I just have to finish the 10 page paper that goes along with it. I only have two sections left though, so I don’t have much more!!

I’m getting chubby again. lol I’m going back on the all salad diet. Good thing Woodworth is open. Their salads are AMAZING! Today, my salad consisted of spinach, feta cheese, Greek olives, mushrooms, egg, croutons, and poppyseed dressing. What are your top favorite salad toppers?

Meanwhile…I wrote a creative piece today. I’m not that proud of it because I think it is poorly written, but it felt nice to actually write one of the many ideas going through my head. I’m sure my creative writing will get better though, so I wont get too down on myself. Yet.

-Went to work to find get a surprise employee evaluation. Turns out I have absolutely nothing I need to work on. The conversation ended with me getting a pay raise to 8.25 per hour. My job doesn’t usually give pay raises. So, now I will be making 500 dollars per month before taxes are taken out. Hellz yeah.

-Letter from the dean came saying that I made it on the university’s dean list as well as the dean list for applied sciences. I guess I get a pin for that achievement? Sweet! lol

-Side note: I am completely obsessed with Love Game by Lady Gaga. Still waiting on my micro lab partner to burn me her CD. I feel like I have been getting all of my sexuality out by living vicariously through trashy tv shows and sexy music videos. It actually is a pretty effective substitute.

-Eva Mendes and Angelina Jolie are the only two I’m sure are in order. Everyone else can be interchanged pretty much. lol

1. Eva Mendes (Oh yes)

2.Angelina Jolie

3. Alicia Silverstone

4. Will Smith

5. Ryan Gosling

6. Tila Tequila

6.5 Dani Campbell (This was my first female love. I completely fell in love with her and Tila during the first season of A Shot at Love. She is the girl with Tila in the video above.)

7. Michael Cera

8. Johnny Depp

9. Viggo Mortensen

10. Mandy Musgrave (From South of Nowhere)

11. Rynan “Kid Rainen” Paguio (From the Jabbawockeez)

12. Mario Lopez

13. Jessica Alba

14. Beyonce

15. Kimberly Wyatt (From the Pussycat Dolls)

-Eva Mendes and Angelina Jolie are the only two I’m sure are in order. Everyone else can be interchanged pretty much. lol

1. Eva Mendes (Oh yes)

2.Angelina Jolie

3. Alicia Silverstone

4. Will Smith

5. Ryan Gosling

6. Tila Tequila

6.5 Dani Campbell (This was my first female love. I completely fell in love with her and Tila during the first season of A Shot at Love. She is the girl with Tila in the video above.)

7. Michael Cera

8. Johnny Depp

9. Viggo Mortensen

10. Mandy Musgrave (From South of Nowhere)

11. Rynan “Kid Rainen” Paguio (From the Jabbawockeez)

12. Mario Lopez

13. Jessica Alba

14. Beyonce

15. Kimberly Wyatt (From the Pussycat Dolls)

I have always thought that I would dislike microbiology because of all of the use with a microscope, but I have found my reaction to be the complete opposite. This class may even be my favorite class I have taken as a college student. It really is extremely interesting looking at the bacteria you have personally collected, especially since you know that it lives on you or in your environment.

90% of the cells that form you body are bacteria cells rather than human cells.
B= streptococcus: cause of strep throat and many other illnesses.

H= streptobacillus: found in the mouth of rats.

–both of these were found in a water fountain I swabbed.

I think this proves that I made the right decision in switching majors, even if I know I’ll really miss taking English courses.

Oh, and Unicorn Head, that movie wasn’t nearly as funny as you and everyone else said it would be. Just average.